Monday, August 9, 2010

say hello to my little friend...

...Little Rae, that is.

Yup. That is a picture of me from about 8 or 9 years ago. I used to be one lean, mean, fitness machine. I was all of 150 pounds and was working out at least 2 hours daily. Hell - I was wearing a spandex outfit!

Can you imagine my surprise when I found this the other day, turned it over, and read the words "10km 56:02 Gag!" written on it. This photo was taken just before I dashed out the door to my first (and only!) official road race. A race that I managed to run in under an hour. I remember being really disappointed in the time, even though I did the run in a snow storm at minus 10-degrees celcius.

What I wouldn't give to be there again!!

I have mixed emotions when I look at this picture now. On one hand, I am filled with hope and optimism. It reminds me what my body is capable of. On the other hand, seeing this picture is like a kick in the teeth.

You see, this is actually an after picture. Around the age of 23, just as I was starting out in my career and moving into my first apartment in the Big City, I recall jumping on the scale and seeing a number I'd never seen before: 200. It freaked me out and sent me into a "healthy lifestyle" frenzy that culminated with this picture.

I use quotes here because, in hindsight, my lifestyle was actually far from healthy. It included working 60-70 hour weeks including weekends, fueling myself only on venti Americanos from Starbucks and punishing myself 2-hours per day in the kickboxing ring. Did I mention I was running 30-40 miles per week and only indulging in the occassional salad on a 1000-1200 calorie per day diet? Some days I wouldn't even eat. :(

Now, I'm at the other end of the spectrum. It struck me: my life has been one of extremes. I am all-or-nothing when it comes to diet and exercise. It's no surprise I couldn't maintain my old regimen for more than a year or so, but I am horrified to think how easy it was for me to just push all that effort to the wayside and.....give up.

The more I think about it, the more obvious it has become: I need balance. I am finally ready to step up and live my life the way I want to. The way I need to.

There are so many questions swimming through my brain right now:
- How does one pack on 10-pounds per year?!
- Why did it take me 10 years to finally wake up and do something about it?
- What was it that led me to each extreme?
- How can I learn from 150-pound me and the 278-pound me to create the best me?
- Exactly how do I achieve this balance that I need?

I don't have the answers right now, but at least I have the right questions. I think. :P

It's amazing that one little picture could trigger all this!

If you're still reading, THANK YOU! This is the first time I've posted a big out-pouring and I'm still getting used to the idea of sharing really personal stories on this blog. Your comments and support mean the world to me as I figure all this out.



  1. good on you rae! i'm glad you posted your picture (cute!) and posed those questions. i have been tempted, too, to post that 'shocking' picture of myself i blogged about a little while ago - the one where i was at my ideal weight - also almost 8 years ago! i think we have experienced a similar order of ups and downs.

    i think you are asking the right questions, and learning from the best of your extremes will be the key to finding balance. thanks for the honest out-pouring :-)

  2. Raegan - you are adorable ~ right where you are!! Thanks for your comment!!! It's so funny, I have also put so much of myself into other, family, friends...I am now learning to put that same focus on myself...for once!!! Keep on pushing...I know you will reach your goal!! You have it in you!! Keep up the great work!! Hugs!

  3. Hey!! The show is on Style Network. You should TOTALLY check it out. I cried like a baby watching Tanisha. She is SO inspirational, it's amazing!!

  4. Rae- I think you are finding the balance you need every day! Keep going!

  5. I think you are doing great and you will get to your goal! Sometimes it's good to find older pictures of yourself to see that you can do it and to give you motivation.

  6. This is really impactful! Thanks for posting it. You absolutely can continue your journey downward and get back to that excited 150 pound runner! Keep it up!

  7. one step at a time that is how you will get there with the rest of us. You need to find your triggers and you will get there. remember slow and steady wins the race :)

  8. My thing is that I don't have a picture like that of me. I have never been thin in my adult like. I think the last time I weigh 150lbs was when I was 12. I've always been heavy. One step at a time like McCulley said is how I am doing mine. Good luck and I'll be following you!

  9. YES! Balance is hard for me, too. I'm making progress and really feel like I'm living a healthy lifestyle now, but there's that tiny part of me that would like to be able to be thin while maintaining an all chocolate diet, watching TV, and reading. Well, guess that's never gonna happen!

    Thanks for posting this! I think it's really insightful and shows that you're well on your way to achieving the balance that you desire :)

  10. Seriously, you are adorable! So great you found a picture that evoked those feelings and raised those thoughts.

    It really is about balance, isn't it? I long for it too...we'll get there!

  11. You're doing great. From the posts I've seen, it looks like you are on the right path. Keep up the work and it will come.

  12. Rae, you and I must be on the same wave length with the personal sharing. I just poured my heart out too. lol. I am sorry I let you down on our challenge. I hope that I can be of more support in the future.

  13. When did you post this!? why wasnt I informed?!! Wth blogger, dropping the ball on me... grr... *shakes fist*

    I'm glad that you are figuring you out too. It's hard to do but I think we will be better for it. It's all mental baby and I know we can do it! woot